I do have a day job you know. Well, alright, it is a part-time day job. Three days a week, I am a daycare provider - a nanny, if you will, to an 8 month old baby girl. I arrive at their house shortly before 7:30 a.m. and am charged with playing, changing and feeding said baby. My day ends at 3:30 (ish) and if I am lucky, there have been 3 hours worth of napping in that time frame. At forty-nine, I am finding that I am still capable of doing the mommy thing. And it got me to thinking, what if. . .
Well first of all, "if"... then it would have to be an immaculate conception. That, or we have to go back to the doctor who performed the big V on Dave all of those years ago and make him accountable. So, settling on immaculate conception as the scenario, and knowing that I am still able to do the whole baby thing, I believe if an angel came to me (via Twitter or a text message most likely) and told me I would bear the child of God, I could probably do it. . .with a few caveats:
1) I'll need a trainer who will keep me moving through the pregnancy. I don't want the old body back, but a leg up in creating a new one would be appreciated.
2) I'd like a housekeeper. I don't want to expose His baby to any dangerous chemicals, strained movements, or housework in general. After all, this baby is headed for the big time.
3) When the time comes. . . I'd prefer a hospital to a stable. The final days of pregnancy tend to create internal odors for which I am willing to endure but I will NOT be in a place where a donkey smells better than I do. And, I require an epidural. He enabled modern medicine to advance to the epidural level, it would be rude of me not to enjoy the benefits.
4) About the schedule. I don't do night feedings anymore.
5) No encouraging the baby to crawl or walk, that only asks for trouble later.
6) And strained peas and green beans are just nasty. I'm not feeding the baby THAT food or changing THAT diaper. Trust me, it's better that way. And while we are on the subject of food, the dog kibble is perfectly safe should it be ingested - don't ask me how I know.
7) Finally, I'd prefer not to be awakened until 7 a.m. and I'd like to be done parenting by 3:30 p.m.
I think if those demands can be met, I would make an ideal mother for God's child. Except, I am about 2043 years too late.
And you all probably thought I was going to announce a surprise baby, didn't you!?