I Must Be Easy. . .or am I Just a Cheap Date?

Summer Splash Blog Hop, Day. . . .Something.  I am giving away signed copies of my book along with a necklace and the last copy of Beach Feasts; a recipe collection.  You can enter every day.  Just follow the Rafflecopter directions at right.  See other authors doing giveaways.  I will post their links below.

I Must Be Easy. . .Or Am I Just a Cheap Date?

I slept in as late as I could on the day of my colonoscopy.  What was the point of getting up if I couldn't enjoy my coffee with half 'n half or my toast and fruit?  They tell you not to arrive more than 15 minutes ahead of your appointment saying there is no point because you will just wait.  I think it's because they only have one restroom in the waiting area.  Let's face it, everyone who arrives there is either forcing out the last of the laxative or worried they will.  One restroom for all of those people is a cruel joke.  Lucky for me, I was clean as a whistle before I got there.

They happily guided me back to my gurney and asked if I was currently pregnant.  Uh, no.  Have I completed menopause?  Uh, no.  "Then," she says, "I need to do a pregnancy test on you.  Can you give me a urine sample?" Let me just remind you that I have spent the better part of the last 24 hours eliminating any excess matter, solid and liquid, that lurked in my body and she tells me we can't proceed until she runs a pregnancy test.  Sheesh.

Here's where the good part comes in.  They give you some drugs, really nice drugs.  Drugs like you have a great buzz and just love everybody drugs.  The last thing I remember is the nurse coming in to tell me I wasn't pregnant.  Oh Glory be. . .now we can do the colonoscopy.  So they wheel me down the hall to a dimly lit room and the Dr. comes in to introduce himself - appropriate given how intimate we are about to become.  He asks if I have any questions and the only thing I can think to say is, "I feel like you should, at least, buy me dinner first."  I'll bet her never hears that.

That must be when they cranked up the IV because I do not remember anything after that until Moondoggy came in and asked if I was ever tempted to go toward the light.  So, I'm good for another 10 years and can now give the knowing nod and wink when other newly 50 people realize it's time for their colonoscopy.

Hop over to these authors' blogs.

Diana Layne
Mike Faricy
Victoria Adams
Jason G. Anderson
S.L. Wallace
Charles Sheehan-Miles
M.J. Holmes
Lynn Hubbard
Jordan T. Maxwell
Jillian Dodd
Chrystalla Thoma
Elle Chardou
Dana Sitar
Troy McCombs

File It Under "Things Mother Never Told You"

Blog Hop Day 3.  Sign up to win signed copies of my books.  Just fill out the Rafflecopter at right.  

Several years ago ( ok, over a decade ago but who is counting?), I put together a recipe collection of meals my family has enjoyed while vacationing at Sandbridge Beach.  I had everyone contribute their favorite recipes and, along with my anecdotes, and pictures, compiled them into a book.  There is only one copy remaining-- the prototype, and I am offering this personal book as a prize on my blog.  So. . . enter in the rafflecopter box at right.  YOU might win this coveted (and sometimes embarrassing) keepsake!

File It Under "Things Mother Never Told You" - UGH

It's a secret right of passage not discussed in circles of those under 49.  It is the inside joke that comes with a nod and a wink as one approaches 50.  It is the colonoscopy and it is my turn.  Hunger Games be damned, we ALL are encouraged to participate when we turn 50.  Which I did. . .last year.  I have been putting this off for as long as I can but, I am coming in under the wire.

It isn't just a matter of scheduling and showing up either.  No, there is a required CLASS first. Yes, a class that they like to have you take about a week in advance. I arrived at the appointed time and along with 10 other equally jittery people, was lead to through the bowels of the building to the classroom.  I have to think the irony is totally intestinal. . . I mean intentional.

We are seated at tables in front of a large tv and greeted by a nurse who hands us each several pages of questions and releases.  The class will last, she tells us,  about an hour where we will fill out our paperwork, discuss the prep and see a movie.  When it is over, we will have the opportunity to purchase a prep kit there for $7.  I'm thinking, "Nice Scam."

She gives us a few moments to  answer the questionnaire.  First question; Name your next of kin.  Really?  Then, with an unbridled enthusiasm, she describes, step-by-step, the "Prep".  This is a 3 day process that begins with no fruits and vegetables - not a great start for a former vegetarian.  Day 2 is the tougher day.  No food.  Nothing with red dye (it tends to present as blood.)  Only clear liquids, jellos (again, no red dye which includes the only jello I eat) and Popsicles (again, guess which ones I like).  If that isn't bad enough, you must take a heavy duty laxative pill the afternoon before the test, down a delicious bottle of lemon flavored magnesium citrate and force Gatorade all night long. Kind of wished I 'd've scheduled an early morning appointment.  I'm out of eating options until the afternoon. Sigh.   Perhaps they need the next of kin information so they know who to call when I decide not to show up.

Oh stop it!  I'm going to show up. I bought the $7 prep kit on my way out the door.

Win other great prizes from these authors.  Just click on the name and go!
Lizzy Ford
Marsha A. Moore
Dana Taylor
Mary Pat Hyland
Katrina Parker Williams
Karin Cox
Walt Lamberg

When Life Requires a Redirect

I spend a lot of time writing about aging and the unwanted side effects thereof.  And although I am generally ok with the onset of wrinkles, stretch marks, and gravity, I do my best to fight them off.  You see, I really don't feel old.  I still crank the stereo in the car, especially for David Bowie, the Stones, and The Boss.  I avoid the high waisted polyester, elastic banded pants and matching flowered t-shirts.  And I try to be presentable in public whenever possible (except when it's early in the morning and I have to run to the store in jammie pants). Now having said all of that, I have become quite aware of the realities of aging in recent weeks.


My collective group of parents, my own, my in-laws, and my second set (the parents of my BFF) have all had major heart incidents in the past few weeks.  Beginning with my father, who was unable to attend his grandson's wedding due to emergency stint surgery to repair the bypasses he had 12 years ago is doing fine now and doesn't require any extra help.  My BFF's father had to have his defibrillator rewired because it wasn't working correctly, a scary prospect at his age.  While talking to BFF one day about the pains of our aging parents, she announced that when she gets old, she is going to be the crabby old lady who sits on the porch and bitches.  Cars driving too fast? Air horn them.  She will be yelling at neighborhood kids to get off her lawn. And although she is allergic, she might even allow cats to live outside.  Lots of them. Now BFF, is one of the most joyous people I know and she spreads that joy to anyone she talks to, so I was surprised that she felt that way.


My father-in-law had a 5 way bypass last week (what is that, a quintapass? A pentepass?)  He was sent home after 5 days and I went down to Florida for a few days to get the two of them settled,  establish a routine, get the meds sorted and easy to navigate, and provide moral support.  I returned exhausted and made a mental note to stay cheery even though my arthritis is acting up. I also returned because I have my first colonoscopy scheduled in a few days because the docs say I am at "That age".   That age.  I don't feel it - until I start noticing the aches and pains.  I do my best to stave them off.  I did notice, though,  the other day that my phone's ring tone is the theme music to the Cialis commercial.  I don't know when THAT happened but, I am too tired to change it.  Maybe I am "That age".  If so, BFF has a good thing going and I am going to join her on that front porch and help direct traffic surrounded by my dogs.  But first, I need a nap.


BOOKS NEWS:  My current work in progress has suffered from these health setbacks as well.  I am aiming for a Christmas release.  In the meantime you can find my other books here: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_2_6?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=judi+coltman&sprefix=judi+c%2Caps%2C160